So I think marketing techniques in Japan are a little different than here because the damn drink has the most random shit on the bottle. I’m not sure why there is a life raft, straw hat, and a pig smoking a cigarette on the bottle but its fucking awesome in my book (that’s a short book). My best guess is that the dude in charge of making the graphics for Ramune Drink either smoked a pound of potweed while shopping at Japan-Mart and these are the random ass things that ended up in his cart, or this company really doesn’t give a fuck and gave up a long time ago. If it were me making this shit, I’d put the sweetest shit ever on the bottle: Shit like sweet corvettes pealing out, a picture of me, a whiskey bottle, hot bitches with huge tits, hot bitches with medium sized tits, and probably a picture of a little boy riding a Unicorn riding a wave a glitter (to get some of the pedophile demographic that no one ever seems to go for).

So the entire top of the bottle has directions plastered all over it with giant warnings saying “Don’t Eat the Plunger” and “Throw away the plunger as soon as you’re done with it”. Do they think I’m a tard? I know that all these warnings and shit are just precautions so I gave it to my 2 year old nephew and let him play in his room with it for a bit while I went to the store to find some crackers to go with my Ramune Drink. I’m a pretty “Green” guy these days too so I cut the power to the house, pulled the phone lines, and walked the 2 miles. Just trying to do my part.

Getting back to the drink; I take off the “plunger” which is just a hard piece of plastic, and push the marble through so that it falls into the middle of the drink where it rests. So now as you take a drink, the marble cradles back and forth in the middle of the bottle. It’s pretty rad. Its not the raddest thing in the California, but its definitely more exciting than any handjob I got in high school (Sorry Jamie Hanson. I know I said it was great at the time, but after every one of your sweet HJ’s I had to run home and soak my dick in warm Vaseline just to sit down right the next day. ( I think that chick does nothing but skiing and chopping wood in her free time) ).

Back to the drink; it’s got a refreshing taste that seems to linger on the palate. Sweet aromas of cherry and oak make this a perfect spring time addition to any mixed salad or even by itself. Also, drinking Ramune Drink on a hot summer’s night should not be out of the question. The drink is also just fucking sugar and water so maybe just buy it for the acid-flashback-esq bottle and the floating anal bead in the middle and let it sit on the shelf.

Things you can use this drink for:

1. Show your friends that you are multi-cultural and can speak fluent Japanese, are good at math, can make cars that are superior to all others until one day they start accelerating by themselves, can do karate, and eat food with two pieces of wood without splintering them into your bottom lip.
2. Your marble collection. Until you realize that the marble is made of baby whale prostates.
3. Impressing everyone
4. Getting type 2 Diabetes
5. Using the plunger that comes with it to fix GI Joe’s toilet after he has had a long night of drinking and eating super burritos.

Last Note: I’m not sure why a drink would have a marble with it but it seems to work in its favor. Kind of like why bums always have dogs. Whey the fuck do they have dogs if they can’t afford food for themselves? Do they eat the dogs when they get real hungry? I would like to think so but we don’t live in a perfect world. The fact is I feel sorry for the dogs and want to give them money. I said “want”. I usually just kick them on my way into Sizzler (The bums).

I give this drink a 9 out of 10 boners for being hella awesome. If you try it out and don’t like it, at the very least keep the bottle and replace the contents with a rufi-colada for the next time you have hot Asian company over.

They have a bunch of flavors including Sangria which tricks you into thinking its alcohol. Not cool. Buy this shit from the link below or die a slow death: Ramune Japanese Soft Drink Mix 6 Flavors

Anyone else try this shit?

They Don't Fuck Around

I went down to New Orleans over the “Holiday” school break (I say school break because I don’t have a job and going to school is the last thing I remember doing that didn’t give me herpes or try to get me to send money to Africa). So I went down to N.O. to have lunch with my buddy Lil Wayne because he is going to jail soon and wanted talk about the future of our hummingbird collections. We stumbled down Bourbon St. after a long night of getting crunk and dropping it like it were hot when I saw this hot sauce for sale called The Hottest Fucking Sauce. It had the word fuck in it so I had to buy it on principle. I even got the censored version which probably means that it is made with more baby seal eyelashes than the original.

The bottle is pretty neato as you can see. It has a couple run on sentences so I wrote a letter to the company demanding a refund. I’m a perfectionist and I refuse to use hot sauce that endorses improper grammar. Still waiting for a reply. The bottle says shit like “Its like the fiery depths of hell” and “Scream fuck at the top of your lungs” which is pretty cool because I like things from hell and I always scream “fuck” whenever I’m close to a daycare or a Turrets Anonymous meeting. The bottle is also small which is good because if this shit came out like catchup your chimichanga might be the last thing you ever ate.

So here is a breakdown of the ingredients which are hard as fuck to find on the bottle I might add. They are disguised as the border and in real small lettering probably because half this shit is banned in the U.S. more than Wesley Snipes is.

Main Ingredients:

1. Habanero Peppers (Great)

2. Water (Oh real great. Lets just waste more water.)

3. African Oleoresin (What the fuck is that? I think they use this in Africa as a contraceptive)

4. Scotch Bonnet Peppers (These must be good for you)

5. Censored Ingredient (Judging by the taste and texture I’m guessing that the “censored ingrediant” is the toenail shavings of the Great Northern Plains Wild Piglet of Tajikistan or its just Corn Syrup)

Stuff you can do with The Hottest Fucking Sauce

1. Try to take the title of the sauce literally and use it as fucking sauce. I would suggest doing this with a hooker or at least a meth-head so you wont have any legal ramifications (excluding ALA, and HI). You also don’t have to worry about AIDS due to the severe burning! Win-Win. Make sure to dip what is left of your dick into a glass of milk so to preserve it in case you want to show how much of a bad-ass you are to your friends.

2. Replace bird feed with The Hottest Fucking Sauce and your dinner will not only be flying onto your plate (literally), but it will already be seasoned. Thanks HFS!

3. If you have kids or roommates (same difference) and you suspect they are dipping into your jar of Vaseline for “Personal Lubrication” just sprinkle a little of The Hottest Fucking Sauce in there and they will never dip their dirty little hands in it again. They might even thank you for not having to confess at church so much. Jesus didn’t spank because his pube dreads got in the way.

4. If you have one of those Mexican friends that always brags about how much they loooove hot food more than anyone else does because their culture puts Jalapenos in the local well water then let them put some of this shit on their queso and watch them run to the nearest biblioteca to use the bano so they can blow fuego out their culo.

I like hot shit and I especially like hot shit that looks cool so I give this 8 out of 10 boners.

You can find The Hottest Fucking Sauce on their website at http://www.xxxratedhotsauces.com where they use a bunch of sexual references like ‘Cum join our mailing list” which is both trashy and rad.

1. Luke warm green pea baby food

2. 3 shots of well gin with a milk chaser (if you don’t know what well gin is: Its any gin that comes in a plastic container. That’s how you know its the good stuff.)

….Just fucking with you. That’s not the list. I wasted your time when I said I wouldn’t. Here is the real list for realzies this time:

1. As much Airborne as you can get into yourself. (Disclaimer: You should take as much as the box recommends and not what I recommend. If you die from doing what I tell you to then your an idiot and deserve it.)

Why: I know that there was a big lawsuit with these fuckers because they claimed that they stopped colds which apparently they don’t, but this shit has all the vitamins your gonna need to fight off the Swine in your body. It pretty much gets your body ready for the epic battle of the century that will be fought in your body. Kinda like when you get ready to clinch your ass every time you bend over around your uncle Todd.

2. 1 shot of Tequila. You only need one shot Dickfart so don’t over do it.

Why: Tequila is the only Alcohol that is an upper instead of a downer and it will raise your temp a bit to help start killing that shit. A 100 year old Mexican dude told me about using it for colds and said that if I told anyone about it that he would have to kill me. Luckily that was 10 years ago and he either cant figure out how to get on the internets anymore or is a Mexican ninja doctor waiting to strangle me with a chorizo suasage the next time I take a shower. Another great thing about tequila is that it also makes you go out in public so you can happily spread the flu to all the frat guys at the bar. So if your a chick (or not), and you have the swine flu, do body shots of teq off that SIMGMA IMAGAY guy that you’ve been checking out and kill two birds with one stone. Don’t tell him about the secret swine flu cure and you will be kiling two birds with one stone plus one Douche-Bag.

3. This is the most important part: APPLE CIDER VINEGAR. This shit works. I Fucking Swear it. Mix this shit with some honey (agave nectar if you have it) and some cinnamon. Drink as much of this as possible.

Why: Don’t have a fucking clue but it works. People have been doing this for like 100,000 years or some shit and I see why. It works. I think its the only reason why all the Spartans in the movie 300 didn’t die of the plaque. Tons of studies have been done that show this stuff works ( I just can’t find any). I think it has to do with how the acid intercepts the gamma rays of deficient cells while keeping the protons of mass radiating pro biotic fucntions. Itfuckingworksdoit.

So that’s it. If you get sick try this because I swear by it. I give the Apple Cider Vinegar a 9 out of 10 boners because it is awesome but makes your breath smell like a fart in the microwave. The rest I give 7 out of 10 boners because it works but costs a lot if you have to buy it all at one time. Whatever you do: Do not buy all that bullshit medicine with all the bullshit bullshit in it. Its all marketing. Stick with the all natural old school stuff. Hey, it worked for everyone during the bubonic plague. Why not for you.

Get The Apple Cider vinegar Here: Bragg – Apple Cider Vinegar, gallon, 1 liquid

I like This  Type of Airborne because I can pretend its Cocaine to impress my highschool friends: Airborne Power Pixies Variety Pack 4 Great Flavors Total of 8 Packets

The Clase Azule bottle is pretty sick. The reposado is porcelain with a handmade sterling silver agave emblem on the front. And when I say handmade I mean its made of the hands of the poor farmers who get their hands caught in the machine. The bottle is so nice that its almost worth buying. Here are some reasons you should buy Clase Azul for the bottle:

1. You can buy it once and then fill it up with Cuervo Gold and still impress everyone. That is until they wake up with a headache that feels like a train crashing into the sun and have a sore butthole.

2. You could definitely leave this bottle on your desk and your boss would never know that it wasn’t just for decoration. That way when you want to drink yourself into depression you can actually do it at work instead of going home and doing it:) This also saves on gas.

3. After your done with the teq, the bottle works great for granny. She will never know and this classic tequila bottle/urn  is a great way to celebrate Grandma’s drunken homophobic outbursts during dinner. Just tell everyone in the family that you had it specially made and that the agave plant emblem on the front is actually an old family heirloom that grandma gave you just before she passed. The fam will be impressed by your awesomeness and you will be sure to get mad props from mom and dad.

That said. There are a lot of good small production tequilas out there and this is one of them, but spending so much on a bottle of something that’s going to end up mixed with Top Ramen and spewed onto the pavement is not recommended. This stuff is really good tequila and if it were not so expensive I would say buy it. I’m going to have to say that for $100 bucks you could get more bang for your buck. 30 bucks for some Don Julio, 50 bucks for a nice massage, 20 bucks for a happy ending to that massage (25 bucks for female: Gender specific inflation), and 30 bucks to me for telling you not to buy this.

Gonna have to give this 4 out of 10 boners so that means it falls into the “Shit that Sucks” category.

I got my bottle of Clase Azul at Tres Agaves in San Francisco but you can buy this big blue dick at Bevmo here and if  someone is actually able to get this shit shipped to their house let me know because I have a 16 year old cousin that’s been trying to find a way to impress his girlfriend. And when I say impress I mean get drunk and have un-protected sex with.

So here is the lowdown. This shit has a lower glycemic index than sugar or honey and you need less of it because its real sweet. It’s organic, doesn’t kill anything except good Agave plants that could have been used for Tequila, and sustainable. It’s also fucking delicious. If I had to drink my way out of a swimming pool of Agave Nectar I could. I pretty much put it in everything. My coffee, protein shakes, tea, cookies, on my pancakes, on strippers. Its universal.

This shit is like the Duct Tape of sweeteners. You can use it for everything. Another good thing is that its not too expensive. I got mine at BevMo but I also found it Amazon using the link below. Apparently you can buy used Agave Nectar on Amazon but I don’t suggest that. Unless you want to wake up in cold bathtub in Mexico sans kidneys. I would suggest getting a big fucking jug of this shit and using for everything.

Bottom line: Buy it. I got a huge boner from this shit so I’m going to give it a 9 out of 10 on the boner meter.

You can buy this Awesome Shit Here: Madhava Agave Nectar