The Hottest Hot Sauce Ever

Want to know the quickest way to loose weight? Try a little bit of this shit and your insides will hate you so much they wont trust you anymore. I literally tried the smallest amount I possibly could and it felt like my someone was stabbing my esophagus with a fiery spear.

They Don't Fuck Around

I went down to New Orleans over the “Holiday” school break (I say school break because I don’t have a job and going to school is the last thing I remember doing that didn’t give me herpes or try to get me to send money to Africa). So I went down to N.O. to have lunch with my buddy Lil Wayne because he is going to jail soon and wanted talk about the future of our hummingbird collections. We stumbled down Bourbon St. after a long night of getting crunk and dropping it like it were hot when I saw this hot sauce for sale called The Hottest Fucking Sauce. It had the word fuck in it so I had to buy it on principle. I even got the censored version which probably means that it is made with more baby seal eyelashes than the original.

The bottle is pretty neato as you can see. It has a couple run on sentences so I wrote a letter to the company demanding a refund. I’m a perfectionist and I refuse to use hot sauce that endorses improper grammar. Still waiting for a reply. The bottle says shit like “Its like the fiery depths of hell” and “Scream fuck at the top of your lungs” which is pretty cool because I like things from hell and I always scream “fuck” whenever I’m close to a daycare or a Turrets Anonymous meeting. The bottle is also small which is good because if this shit came out like catchup your chimichanga might be the last thing you ever ate.

So here is a breakdown of the ingredients which are hard as fuck to find on the bottle I might add. They are disguised as the border and in real small lettering probably because half this shit is banned in the U.S. more than Wesley Snipes is.

Main Ingredients:

1. Habanero Peppers (Great)

2. Water (Oh real great. Lets just waste more water.)

3. African Oleoresin (What the fuck is that? I think they use this in Africa as a contraceptive)

4. Scotch Bonnet Peppers (These must be good for you)

5. Censored Ingredient (Judging by the taste and texture I’m guessing that the “censored ingrediant” is the toenail shavings of the Great Northern Plains Wild Piglet of Tajikistan or its just Corn Syrup)

Stuff you can do with The Hottest Fucking Sauce

1. Try to take the title of the sauce literally and use it as fucking sauce. I would suggest doing this with a hooker or at least a meth-head so you wont have any legal ramifications (excluding ALA, and HI). You also don’t have to worry about AIDS due to the severe burning! Win-Win. Make sure to dip what is left of your dick into a glass of milk so to preserve it in case you want to show how much of a bad-ass you are to your friends.

2. Replace bird feed with The Hottest Fucking Sauce and your dinner will not only be flying onto your plate (literally), but it will already be seasoned. Thanks HFS!

3. If you have kids or roommates (same difference) and you suspect they are dipping into your jar of Vaseline for “Personal Lubrication” just sprinkle a little of The Hottest Fucking Sauce in there and they will never dip their dirty little hands in it again. They might even thank you for not having to confess at church so much. Jesus didn’t spank because his pube dreads got in the way.

4. If you have one of those Mexican friends that always brags about how much they loooove hot food more than anyone else does because their culture puts Jalapenos in the local well water then let them put some of this shit on their queso and watch them run to the nearest biblioteca to use the bano so they can blow fuego out their culo.

I like hot shit and I especially like hot shit that looks cool so I give this 8 out of 10 boners.

You can find The Hottest Fucking Sauce on their website at http://www.xxxratedhotsauces.com where they use a bunch of sexual references like ‘Cum join our mailing list” which is both trashy and rad.